Thursday, July 9, 2015

The Grand Canyon

At some point in the past few months I looked around me and noticed that I was stuck in a rut.  At first it didn't seem like a big deal.  I made a few half-hearted efforts to redirect myself, but didn't worry myself too much when it didn't work.  After making a choice decision mistake that I have made time and time again, even though I always intend to do it differently, again, I started feeling a little more stuck.  I looked around and realized that the rut was deeper than it originally seemed.  I recommitted to getting out of it and for a few days I thought I had managed it, but I just fell right back in after not to long.  The past few weeks I have been once again examining this rut that I am stuck in and I realized that the reason I am having such a hard time is because this isn't a rut in the road I'm travelling down.  It's the Grand Canyon and I fell into it and I'm trying to get out by making a few forceful turns when I really need to be stocking up on gear and climbing out.

This is a somewhat silly analogy, but it describes how I am feeling so well.  The past few years have brought a huge variety of trials, challenges, learning experiences, and changes to my life.  I have gained so much and on the inside I feel like an entirely new person.  I feel stronger, healthier, more confident.  But when I look at my life as a whole I see that that is not always reflected on the outside.  I am still making choices, decisions, and mistakes (like the one mentioned earlier), that look a lot like the ones that the old me would make.  I looked back on my blog before starting this post and saw commitments and goals that I set and never followed up on, and I know I have made similar goals since then and not followed up on them either.  

I know that I have moved forward.  I know who I want to be.  I have an idea of what it would like like to be that person, and have caught glimpses of her occasionally.  What I can't figure out is why I can't get her to shine through.  I originally got on here to recommit (again), and make new goals (again).  But if that hasn't worked the 59 bazillion times that I have already tried it, I'm thinking that maybe it won't work this time either.  Maybe that's where a little bit of the new me is coming through...I'm ready to try something different.  Hopefully something better.  If I could just figure out what that was...

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